


Stupid Coroika

by FizzyCorrupts



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Coroika Parody, Ignore the Kissing, It's straight as a ruler, It's the ultimate bromance, The S in S4 stands for Straight, This is gonna get weird, obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 08:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16971321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FizzyCorrupts/pseuds/FizzyCorrupts
Summary: Welcome to Inkopolis. A town of squids, kids, and Gene Simmons.Blue Team, a radical group of up and coming Turf War elites, is rising through the ranks. But they're facing the ultimate challenge: The Straight 4.The S4 are an excellent group of Turf War players who are top of their class. Only our heroes can defeat them.Also Emperor's here, sometimes.





	Stupid Coroika

It’s been 12,000 years since the destruction of the human race. Global warming hit a peak, reaching an unsalvageable point. This was fueled by the warring of mankind. Petty squabbles escalating to nuclear combat created a severe, dying environment. Humanity was slammed with flooding, drought, starvation. No matter how grand their attempts to cling to life and continue their ownership of the Earth, they were defeated. In the end, the slate was wiped clean. 

To compensate for the departure of the human race, the life that once belonged to the vast arms of the sea were released onto the scraps of land that remained. Evolution hit a new stride, intelligent life taking form and rebuilding complex civilization within barely a couple millennia. They founded ethics, technology, religion. They were human in all but name and physicality. Amongst the land-based sea life, two forms stood out. 

One form was the Inklings, humanoids that evolved from squids. They had the ability to manipulate their ink to their will, whether as a weapon or a vector of artistic creation. Culturally, they developed at a speed unlike the other life that coexisted with them. They took from the remnants of humanity and indulged in the pursuits of decadence; fashion, beauty, comfort, and entertainment.

The other form was the Octolings. Like Inklings, they could control their ink in various ways and developmentally and culturally outpaced many other lifeforms. From humanity they engaged in the pursuits of intelligence; engineering, construction, mathematics, and science.

The two kinds lived peacefully. They argued to a degree, but for millennia were equals. But the ocean began to take the land again, driving Inklings and Octolings to conflict. Thus began the Great Turf War. A fast and violent war, it seemed at first the Octolings had the advantage. However, in the final moments of the war, the Inklings turned the tables and defeated the Octolings. The crushing defeat drove the Octolings to occupy the underground spaces of Octo Valley and Octo Canyon, shamed by their loss.

Now, squidkind controls most of the world’s industries. They hold approximately 47% of available jobs, and-

“Holy fuck, this is boring.” Goggles exclaimed, throwing his textbook aside. “Why do we gotta learn this every year?” He looked at his friend Glasses, who looked depressed. That’s because he was.

“Well it’s vital information, Goggles.” He responded, sighing. “You should be glad you even have the chance to attend a learning institution, knowing you. You scored a G grade on your last test, that’s not even a real grade!”

“Guys, be quiet.” Headphones whispered from the next row. “He’s watching.” She visibly trembled as the words escaped her lips, gazing at the instructor. The teacher from the screecher hissed and snapped his head towards the source of the sound. The three friends immediately shut their traps, terrified of what would happen if they were caught.

“Mr. Gregson, what’s on the test next week?” Little Timmy asked, but sadly he never received his answer. He was swallowed whole by the teacher from the screecher. He screamed in vorror, but was comvorted in death.

The bell rang, and the trio dashed out of the classroom. They were finally free. No longer were they in danger of being consumed by an aggressive calculus teacher man. They ran into their friend Bobble in the hallway. She was eating a pear. Nobody knows where she got it. Not even her.

“What’s up, weenies?” Bobble greeted her pals. “Are we gettin’ gay today?” 

“I’m straight.” Glasses admitted.

“You’re an LGBT ally, Glasses.” Goggles booged. “You have to put up with our bullshit. By that we mean, we love you for your support.”

“I’m straight too.” Skull stated from across the hall, holding hands with Mask.

“I am allllllllso straight.” Mask said before aggressively making out with Skull in a straight manner. It’s the ultimate bromance.

“Bros before hoes, as they always say.” Army declared, before joining in on the makeout session.

“I don’t know what’s going on here, but I approve.” Aloha screed. He hopped into the kiss tornado. The S4 left, engaging in their bro makeout session.

“Wow, they’re so straight.” Goggles said in shock.

“Goggles, that was literally the gayest thing that’s ever occurred.” Glasses stated. The others ignored him.

“So are we going to go turfin’?” Headphones asked, making a face. What kind of face? You don’t need to know.

“I hunger for blood.” Bobble giggled. “Give unto me the flesh of my enemies.”

“Wow, you sound like my grandma on ladies’ night.” Goggles said. His grandma was an avid bar attender. She has left none of the Inkopolis bars open. None of the owners have been found. There was no evidence to link her to the disappearances but it’s suspected she was the perpetrator.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let them know.” Gloves jingle jangle jingled, jingle jangle.

“Who are you?” Glasses asked.

“You’ll find out in two years.” He answered, taking Glasses’ wallet and backflipping away.

“Does he...does he go here?” Headphones wondered.

“I...I don’t know.” Goggles responded, concerned.

“He does in my heart.” Bobble added. She licked her lips with flesh hunger. 

“Bobble, you really need counseling.” Glasses said.

“My mom tried to send me to counseling. That’s why I don’t have a mom anymore.” Bobble chuckled.

“I literally saw her drop you off this morning.” Headphones stated.

“Did you?” Bobble stated cryptically.

“Yes.” Headphones bungled.

“Oh.” Bobble frowned. “You’ve seen through my ruse.”

“You need to watch less Squid Sisters After Dark.” Glasses hovered. “It’s doing you no favors.”

“I saw Marie eat a brain.” Bobble giggled.

“That...that was jello for a Halloween special.” Goggles added.

“Was it?” Bobble questioned.

“Yes.” The other three stated.

“What about the part where Callie used a buzzsaw on her own stomach?” Bobble bobbled.

“Okay that didn’t happen.” Goggles responded.

“Oh...maybe I dreamed that part.” Bobble said. 

“Bobble, you really need to like...see someone. I’m not sure if you’re like, safe for others to be around.” Glasses bumbled.

“No.” Bobble smiled.

“Oh, okay.” The others responded.

—

At Inkopolis Tower, the gang found themselves confronted by a biker squid who’s never met his own mother.

“Hey you bihs this is my turf.” Rider angrily angered. “Nobody else plays Turf War but me.”

“Counterpoint,” Goggles started. “Fuck you.”

“Oh...you hurt my feelings.” Rider feelinged.

“Good.” Goggles smiled wide.

“I’m gay for you now.” Rider responded.

“Wait what?” Goggles was confused.

“I feel a great desire and it’s called Goggles.” Rider gungused.

“How about we just like...go on a date first and see if this works? This is moving too fast.” 

“You’re right. I always move too fast. You’ve saved me from my own demons.” Rider thanked him before motorcycling away.

“What just happened?” Headphones asked.

“I think I have a date?” Goggles responded. “I thought we’d have to fight him first, but I guess not.”

“Guys, can we just play Turf War?” Glasses asked straightly. 

“Oh yeah, sure.”

—

Inside the Turf War place of placing, they were on a boat now. The ocean is a dangerous place. Filled with water, fish, and Gene Simmons. 

“Alright, who are we facing today?” Goggles excitedly asked.

“Maybe we’re gonna face off against one of the S4.” Glasses joked.

“Hi guys, I’m Army of the S4.” Said Army of the S4. “And these are the Armettes.” His team climbed out of a sludge hole.

“We’re here to shoot you with guns.” The Armettes militarily militaried.

“As is Cod’s desire.” Army religiously horged. “Did you know we’re Squishtians?”

“Actually I’m an atheist.” One of the Armettes said. They accepted him for his differing beliefs and they were still friends.

“We murder you now.” Goggles screamed.

“Aha, I predict you will be the ones finding yourself in the losing positi-“ Army was clubbed across the head with a lead pipe. Goggles was wielding said pipe.

“GOGGLES NO!” His team screamed. Even Bobble was horrified.

“Oh wait this isn’t my Splattershot.” Goggles stated. 

“I can’t feel my head.” Army sighed in pain. “I need...a hospital.”

“Yeah we’ll call an ambulance right now. I am so fucking sorry.” Goggles dashed away to find a phone.

—

“Well that sucked.” Headphones stated, head in her hands. “What if we get sued?!”

“We can’t get sued! That’s illegal.” Goggles assured her.

“Goggles, that’s not how laws work.” Glasses stated.

“I need food.” Bobble said.

Army walked up to them, nursing a head wound. He had just returned from the hospital.

“I won’t sue you guys. I know it was an accident.” Army said.

“Oh. That’s cool.” Goggles goggled.

“But my fellow straight men, the S4, are out for vengeance.” Army warned. “Watch out for them.”

“Thanks for the warning, we appreciate it.” Headphones crossed her arms as a thought came to her. “...What does S4 actually mean?”

“Oh it means Straight 4.” Army laughed.

“Makes sense.” Blue Team responded in unison.

\--

Goggles and his Kooky Crew walked through Inkopolis Plaza, singing to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody, a song that no longer existed but was etched into all minds.

“Howdy, pardner.” A voice called out to the group in a thick Georgian accent. They turned to see Aloha of the S4. “It’s high noon, y’all.”

“Aloha...are you...are you Southern?” Glasses asked.

“Yeehaw.” Aloha responded, deep frying a twinkie. “Do you remember the Alamo?” He proceeded to ask.

“What...What’s the Alamo?” Headphones looked uncomfortable.

“Biscuits and gravy.” Aloha boogled.

“Okay, you’re trying too hard now.” Bobble sighed.

“...You’re right.” Aloha stopped doing the accent. “I just thought doing the voice would make me threatening, like the evil hillbillies in Deliverance.”

“What’s Deliverance?” The entire Blue Team asked.

“That’s a tale for another time.” Aloha answered. “Do you guys wanna Turf?”

“We’re actually like, going home now.” Goggles stated. “W-We’re tired.”

“But...I had a whole arc planned where I beat you and then you came back for a rematch.” Aloha frowned.

“Dude, we can like...do that tomorrow.” Headphones responded.

“But...our match was gonna have like...explosions and plot twists and the Pope was going to make a cameo.” Aloha crossed his arms and looked away angrily.

“Why?” Glasses scratched his chin.

“...All of those things are hip with the Squids, right?”

“...Aloha, how old are you?” Goggles asked.

“Well I mean...I’m like 16. I’m not that much older than you guys. I don’t get why you’re acting like I’m old.” Aloha responded.

“Okay, we’re goin’ home Aloha.” Glasses sighed. “I can’t feel my face right now. I’m so tired.”

“Listen, I can give you the energy you need,” Aloha stated with glee. He slid a glass of a dark liquid from behind his visor. That explained the stain.

“What is that?” Headphones asked.

“Oh, ya know.” Aloha wiggled his eyebrows.

“It looks like death.” Goggles admitted. “Can I smell it?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Aloha smiled a smile of smiling. “In fact, you can...drink it. You heathen.”

“I am not a heathen!” Goggles angrily responded. “I am a good Squishtian man.”

“Goggles, you haven’t gone to church in ten years.” Bobble noted. She had never been to church in her life. Except for the blood christening.

“Alright, can we please go home?” Headphones crossed her arms. “I want to sleep.”

“Same, this is dumb.” Glasses spec’d. 

“Not until I smell the liquid.” Goggles announced. He put the glass to his nose and took a whiff. It smelled like metal. “...Aloha, what the fuck is this?”

“A glass of pure mercury!” Aloha grinned.

“Aloha, that could kill me.”

“Exactly. It’ll give you strength.”

“Listen...you are bad.” Glasses pointed at Aloha.

-The Next Morning-

Goggles yawned, his eyes opening. He sat up, feeling content. 

“Ah, today is going to be such a great day.” Goggles looked at his mirror across the room. His reflection winked at him. Goggles decided he was gonna get a new mirror.

“Grits.” A southern voice said. 

“...What?” Goggles turned his head to see Aloha, sitting on top of his dresser. He was wearing his pajamas. He had slept on top of Goggles’ dresser.

“Good morning, I hope you slept well.”

“Why are you in my house?” Goggles reached for the Splattershot on his bedside table. It was gone.

“Howdy pardner.” Aloha held the Splattershot in his hands.

“Goggles, are you in here?” Headphones asked, coming in through the bedroom door. 

“What are YOU doing in my house?!” Goggles screamed.

“We were having a sleepover, but then you went upstairs and locked yourself in your room.” Headphones sighed. “I literally can’t imagine how you could...forget I was here. I was sleeping right next to you.”

“Headphones, you know I’m an idiot.” Goggles responded.

Emperor of the Enperry family was looking through the window. He slid away. Nobody questioned that. He did this every Tuesday.

“He’s hot.” Aloha nodded. Then he looked back to Goggles. “Now listen up, we’re goin’ to war today.”

“I don’t want to.” Goggles trembled. “I have to go to school.”

“Not anymore, you don’t.” Aloha Hawaiianed. Wait no. He screed.

“I don’t like you.” Headphones said to Aloha. “You just don’t leave us alone. You haven’t left us alone since middle school.”

“I just wanna be cool!” Aloha yelled. “And everybody on the playground knows you can only be cool if you beat Blue Team.”

“That’s pretty flattering.” Goggles smiled. “But still, no. I DO have to go to school.”

“And so do I.” Headphones added.

“I dropped out.” Aloha smiled, a single tear rolling down his cheek. 

“Okay.” Goggles and Headphones said in unison.

-At School-

Blue Team was gathered at their lunchtime table. It was the one closest to the window. In case they had to escape. Emperor was at the window. This was unusual. It wasn’t Thursday, his school lunch viewing day.

“He’s creeping me out. Why is he here today?” Glasses stared at the rich boy with yellow hair. 

“There must be a fight going on today.” Headphones said. “Either Aloha is coming for us, or we angered Big Tommy.”

“Headphones, you know Big Tommy has been dead for three years.” Goggles looked down in sorrow. “He never saw the truck coming. He had headphones on.”

“Oh right.” Headphones nodded. “Then Aloha is coming. And he’s coming strong.”

“Oh yeah.” Emperor said through the window, nobody actually heard him though cause the windows were a foot thick.

“I’m here.” Aloha lowered in from the ceiling on a rope. He’d been hanging up there for five hours. “Are we gonna fight now?”

“Aloha, we have to finish the school day. I don’t get...you know we’re on a schedule, right?” Goggles gave him angry eyes.

“But...I can’t wait any longer! I need to fight!” Aloha screamed. He dropped to the floor and whipped out his .52 Gal. “I’m gonna bring it to you!”

“Oh no you don’t!” A member of staff screamed. He slid in on his mechanical tread legs. He shot Aloha in the shoulder with a Desert Eagle.

“OH FUCK!” Aloha screamed, falling to the floor. He was bleeding. A river. “Save me, Army!” He reached out to Army, who was sitting at a nearby table.

“I can’t get involved. That would be illegal.” Army shook his head. “You must be baptised in blood.”

“Skull, help!” Aloha yelled out to Skull next.

“I have no stakes in this situation, despite my love for you...I mean. I’m straight.” Skull turned away.

“Ma-”

“Moo.” Mask responded. He cleared his throat. “I mean, no.”

“Somebody, help me!” Aloha screamed in pain noise. 

“I’ll help.” Diver announced, running in. He tripped. Then he got up and kept running. Then he tripped again. Then he stopped moving. Diver was dead. He’d suffered death by chocolate as he ran. 

“Oh no, Diver has died!” A Random Student yelled.

“I’m here to save the day!” Octoglasses yelled, charging into the cafeteria. She hadn’t attended this school in seven years. She was 24. 

“Oh thank Cod.” Aloha grinned. Octoglasses picked him up and stared into his eyes. “You’re okay now.” 

“Thanks, Octogla-” Aloha was cut off as Octoglasses dropped him into a deep hole in the center of the cafeteria. Aloha then climbed out of the hole, miraculously healed.

“You’re alright!” Octoglasses screamed happily.

“Can we resurrect Diver?” Aloha asked, concern in his eyes.

“No.” Octoglasses grinned. “I’m kidding.”

They pushed Diver into the hole. He climbed out, alive. But he had a beesechurger now. For a face.

“What’s even happening?!” Glasses asked.

“I don’t fucking know!” Goggles responded.

“This is tasty popcorn.” Emperor nodded, eating popcorn. Nobody could hear him.

-At Inkopolis Tower-

“It’s Turf War time, motherfucker! We goin’ real Southern on this bitch!” Aloha exclaimed.

“Okay, we’ll go Southern on this.” Goggles raised a .357 Revolver.

“...Wait, is that a g-” Aloha was cut off as Goggles shot him. This was the second time today.

“GOGGLES YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THAT!” Headphones yelled, panicking. “We’re going to get sued!”

“That’s illegal, Headphones.” Goggles said in a calm, serious demeanor.

“CAN SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE?!” Octoglasses cried, tears cascading from her eyes as she put pressure on the wound.

“Why are people shooting Aloha?!” Diver yelled.

“Oh, are we shooting Aloha?” Straw took out a gun and shot Aloha too.

“Straw, what the fuck?!” Octoglasses was desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

“I felt the need.” Straw responded.

Aloha gave a thumbs up from blood-loss induced delirium. He had no idea what the fuck Straw said, but he felt like he had to agree.

 

-Outside Inkopolis Tower-

“Goggles, you need to stop!” Headphones yelled. She needed to confront Goggles about his newfound blood lust. “You can’t be like your grandma!”

“Yes I can.” Goggles stated. “Bobble is like my grandma. And she’s fine.”

“I smile to hide the pain.” Bobble giggled.

“See, she’s feelin’ perfect.” Goggles laughed laughterly.

The camera panned over to an Inkling standing on top of Inkopolis Tower. He was wearing a bandana adorned with a skull pattern.

“I feel a challenge coming.” The inkling inklinged. “I feel it in my chesticles...wait is that a good name for chest tentacles? Probably not. Uh...I feel it in my...thighs.”

Will Blue Team find themselves in an even greater battle for survival? Will Bobble ever get the counseling she so needs? Is Aloha alive?!

Find out next time in Stupid Coroika: Chapter 2: The Buff Man and the Masked Avenger


End file.
